Where did I last see the scissors?

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Who here voted for Max?  Raise your hands, don’t be shy.  I did.  Yes I did, and I also voted for Christopher too – can you believe that?  Luke is not boyfriend material.  He’s too self absorbed.  He’s not aware of Lorelai’s needs, he’s one of those, I love you, but I am not REALLY there for you.  He’s not sensitive to Lorelai’s needs at all.  He takes her for granted.  Max and Chris were more classically courting her.  They were in a give and take situation with her.

Luke has this spoken and unspoken claim to having been in love with her since the day he met her, which doesn’t correspond with the fact that he did in fact get obsessed about Rachel and married to Nicole.  Does anyone else think about these things, or is it just me?

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Building on past experiences

Don’t feel bad about disagreeing.

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Sometimes I find myself with conflicting opinions with others, and I voice these thoughts.  Later I feel bad for being disagreeable, but this is not necessary.  People disagree sometimes, and that’s ok.  It just means we have our own minds and thoughts and perspectives.  And sharing them with each other makes our lives more interesting.

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Don’t feel you have to go back and rewrite what happened.  Even if you now feel you may have been mistaken in your opinions, you don’t need to patch up your disagreement with backtracking.  If you really want to discuss the topic further, that’s fine, but if you are simply changing your opinion to be submissive, then you don’t need to do it.

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The other person’s opinion is no more or less valid than yours.  There is nothing wrong with strongly disagreeing with someone.  It’s ok.

 

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It’s important to know what you think, in order to know who you are.  To grow as a person, it is also useful to keep an open mind, so maybe next time, you don’t have to disagree, you could say: I have never thought of it that way, how interesting. 

 

You can build on past experiences.

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The Rolling Stones

Lyrics

Satisfaction
Satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m drivin’ in my car
And a man comes on the radio
He’s tellin’ me more and more
About some useless information
Supposed to fire my imagination
I can’t get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no satisfaction
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m watchin’ my TV
And a man comes on to tell me
How white my shirts can be
Well he can’t be a man ’cause he doesn’t smoke
The same cigarrettes as me
I can’t get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say

I can’t get no satisfaction
I can’t get no girly action
‘Cause I try and I try and I try and I try
I can’t get no, I can’t get no

When I’m ridin’ round the world
And I’m doin’ this and I’m signing that
And I’m tryin’ to make some girl
Who tells me baby better come back later next week
’cause you see I’m on losing streak
I can’t get no, oh no no no
Hey hey hey, that’s what I say

I can’t get no, I can’t get no
I can’t get no satisfaction
No satisfaction, no satisfaction, no satisfaction

What do I know

You know when Lorelai realises she has formed a lot of her opinions, if not all, as a reaction to her mother?  I think that’s funny, she’s eating all the pop tarts to find out if she likes pop tarts.

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Why do we like what we like?  I don’t think it’s about what other people think, I think that’s something which is written inside us.  But I do think that who we are around affects what we decide to try in the first place.

But what I was thinking was: I should make a list of what I already know about me.

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  1. I know I love food.   I love all kinds of food*, and I love eating them.  *vegan food
  2. I love cookies, chocolate, jam, cakes, party food, chips, crisps, marshmallows, pizza.
  3. I love movies.
  4. I like music

Is it just me or do I sound like everyone else??

5. I like reading.  I like classic novels and comedies and thrillers.

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6. I like walking around, sitting in public places where there aren’t any people.

7. I like writing, I am happy in thought.

8. I am an introvert

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I feel like I want to do what Kirk does, and try everything out to see if it’s what I want to do.  If only everyone would hire you 😀 or you had the means and the confidence to be like Kirk when he crashes the meetings and just starts working there anyway.

It’s not even really about what you do, is it?  I am starting to think that who you are, is kind of nothing.  It’s a non thing, like you can’t actually look at it or describe it, beyond the vague stuff I’ve gone through so far.

And if you let your hair down, you really only learn stuff about your inner six year old.  Which is maybe a good thing.

Also, I don’t think I’ve had pop tarts more than twice in my life.

I begin to wonder

if I will ever find out who I am.  Perhaps ephemeral identity and fate are all there is.  So we should all just float along, accumulating hobbies and trinkets and anecdotes, with the eventual inevitable important moments, which are already written, and our parts to play are purely reactionary?

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Can I still be the queen of the damned?  I don’t know if that is in my destiny.  I have to hope that my destiny will come find me.

But I guess it won’t.

Which means I have to go out and find it.  and in order to look for it, I need to know what it is.  Or maybe I don’t.  Maybe I should try everything.

Do I want to join a knitting club?

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Or a street parade?

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Do I want to learn to play an instrument and join a marching band?

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Or maybe I could join a reading group.

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Or take up sculpting…

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Or learn to dance.

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I don’t know if I want to do any of those things.  They all look fun, but are they what I want to do?  Because they all take time and money and you invest yourself in them.  I feel so conflicted.  Am I missing out on my life by not doing these things?  Do I even really want to do these things?  Is it a waste of my money and time if I do these things and I don’t like it?

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The who and where entanglement

When I am trying to understand who I am, with some perspective on who I used to think I would be by now, it’s difficult to separate the who from the where.  I am not where I thought I would be, which must be common, I imagine.

When we are young we are encouraged to choose professions, but we are not given many options.  We can be a fireman or a doctor, a postman or an astronaut.  We often want to be what ever our parents happen to be – from home-maker to mechanic.

We want to be like the people we see on tv.  We want to be pop stars or actors, meteorologists or news readers, pro sports players.

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And even the more ordinary jobs you assume you will get, once you realise how much work goes into becoming a doctor, astronaut, pro sport player or pop star.  Tv gives us the impression they will fall into our lap, or vice versa, and they will be a beautiful, wonderful thing.  Or at least, not that bad.

And, surely, we can have fun in the break room or after work at a bar?

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Whether or not that is possible or probable for me, I don’t know.  But nothing like that has happened in my life so far.  I don’t know what that says about who I am.  Does it mean I’m not putting myself out there enough?  That deep down I don’t really want to do it any way?  That I’m not destined to do that sort of thing?  That television and films lie to us, and situations like that are not funny and interesting as we expect them to be?

It is fascinating.  I don’t know if I am any closer to getting to know who I am.  I suppose you cannot know until you know.

 

 

Who am I

I chose non fiction memoir as my blog topic, because I think it is the closest thing to what is real.  This is more of a reflective process than a documentation of life, but still it is the documentation of reality.

I think we really don’t get much time to think about who we are.  I don’t.

I know I used to think a lot about who I was going to be.  I had a lot of thoughts on that front, and they were on no uncertain terms.  I had written my future, but I was mistaken.  None of the things I thought would happen, actually happened.  And so, who am I?

I thought I would be like this:

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I had plans to wear lots of make up and do my hair.

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I think maybe I thought I would have friends to do it with?  I can’t remember.

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Perhaps having friends to do it with is what you need.  I think I thought I would just naturally start doing these wild things to my hair, and painting my face and change my clothes.  I just never really thought about it in the present.  It never occurred to me to buy new clothes or make up or do things to my hair.

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So am I a wannabe?  What am I?  It’s very strange to realise that you don’t know who you are.

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Where does this path begin?  How does one find the special shoes or learn to do the special hair?

Do I need a Yoda or a mentor?

Or does one simply feel one’s way?

Do I need to find people who are like me?

Or should I drift alone through this journey?

 

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And how do I even know if this is my path?  I don’t know who I am anymore.  I don’t know who I have become, or who I am supposed to be.  I am lost.  Adrift on this ocean of uncertainty.

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